October 2nd, 2019

I am acting like a petulant child. I can’t stop acting like a petulant child.

My foot is stomping down, my arms crossed over my chest and I am refusing to do life. 

Ironically everything in going well, but all I want to do is stay in bed. I know what I have to do, I have to get up, get dressed, do life, care, but is as if my drive has gone. It’s worse than that though because it feels like I’m in a maze of sky high barriers that block me from the simplest of tasks. For two weeks I have been trying to write this diary entry but every time the battle seemed impossible; even now it feels like my hands are moving through tar. When I go out I feel like I am walking through waist-high treacle (I’ve had this feeling before, years ago, high on hash cakes I walked to a pub feeling and in my imagination, seeing, pink foam up to my thighs. Back then, the colours and the lack of responsibility awaiting me made the feeling almost joyful). I feel like I’m being physically slowed down by my mental state, a lot of the time it feels too exhausting to try.

The self-destruct button is beside me, some big part of me wants to push it, to tear this shit apart. This ‘shit’ though, is my life. I don’t know physically how I would do it, but I know I am capable of it. I rip apart my future; question my abilities and the journey that I am on. I am bullying myself. I haven’t hit the button yet though, and something tells me that this has been the closest I have ever been to knowing myself; knowing my strength and being able to reason with myself. 

In this season I am learning a lot about myself. In the past years I have realised I am a people pleaser (I thought I was just doing the morally right thing or being friendly but actually it’s a little darker than that). In the past year I have begun to understand how unhealthy this behaviour is and yesterday I read this article that finally made me understand what being a people pleaser means and the effect it has. It is not a comfortable article for me, too much is too familiar. It explains that “fawning” or people-pleasing as a result of trauma comes from a place of fear. It is why we end up in the relationships that we do. The idea that I am like a chameleon with others is not one I haven’t considered before; what I have mistaken for empathy or kindness is just an attempt to “blend in, in order to feel safe.” It leaves me questioning how to change this behaviour, Sam Dylan Finch say’s that there is no quick fix, it’s part of a process, but it is possible. In his article he also briefly discussed Complex PTSD and recommends a book by Pete Walker that a friend had already recommended, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma.” I finally ordered a copy. 

In the last year I have changed from being very anti diagnosis to very pro. I finally understand that by seeing how our individual body or mind works we can begin to work with it rather than against it. Instead of feeling angry and frustrated maybe I can find a better way to move forwards. It’s not about changing everything but rather about realisation of strengths and weaknesses. 

There is part of me that feels I need something to help me lift my base line up, to assist me at this time. I may try and use CPD as opposed to anti-depressants.

For now though I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, I feel like that’s the only way to stay up right; to survive.

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